Date: 12 January 2012
I’m convinced that there is a little compartment in my brain where the thought of you stays. It pops up out of no where sometimes, but it’s always there at the back of my mind, waiting for something to remind me of you. I try desperately to push it out, to burry it underneath something more reasonable. School, friends, family. But I can only distract myself for so long. Suddenly still pictures, and memories are racing through my mind, we’re crying, we’re not ready to let go…. Months pass, a year passes, my heart aches. How did we get here. How did I lose my way. There are days I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, but in comparison I know I’m no where near. Months pass and I’m convinced I’m over you. I no longer cringe at your name.. I still don’t, but I know “over you” is something I won’t be for some time. I wish being happy without you was as easy as you make it seem. I look for happiness in all the wrong places, I’ve made so many mistakes trying to correct the one you’ve made, trying to fill that hole. I’ve used people. I’ve lied to them. I’ve hurt them. I’ve been waiting for the satisfaction of feeling loved and complete but it never comes the way it should. I never go to sleep excited to wake up anymore. Christmas and New Years were just another day I had to get through. People asking me where you were because I promised them last year I’d bring you. I guess they knew where you were when I didn’t respond. I was so happy..
